Man with cancer: How much time do I have left? Doctor: Ten. Man: Weeks? Months? Days? Doctor Nine, eight, seven...
Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, even time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3
Grandma: you guy’s generation is on to much technology. Kid: well your the ones that raised us. Other family members: ...
no matter how much i cry the the white people till left me hanging
Hang in there ya Emo bastards! Remember you could always be dead, oh too soon?🤣🤣
No wonder they wanna die so much, I'd wanna die too if I was a freak who listens to Black Veils Brides!🤣🤣🤣
Anybody got a knife? I mean an Emo dildo?🤣🤣🤣
Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail? It's pretty much a downward spiral.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. (ref)
emo girls be like ho much am i worth. girl scan the code on your wrist
i swear everytime i walk past a guy they stare at my ass i always keep wondering why it hurts so much
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.
I SH so much, even when i die and become a ghost, you can see red striped floating around the room.
life would be so much easier if grass was emo
because it would cut itself
Say Hey your pretty then she'll say omg thank you so much or something cringe then you say pretty f ing ugly aha gottie
Why do orphans love school so much?
They have no HOMEWORK
yo mama is so fat that she stepped on the scale and it says hey fat b**** break your fat a** in half so u wont weigh as much
I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!” As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?” I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.” How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.
You know how there were like...two towers..i had so much fun playing jenga in those planes! I WON!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister said I was only aloud to grate cheese, so I said to her that I’d prove her wrong. The next day my mum asked me why my cheese was tan, and I said it was my own special recipe. My mum loved the cheese but she didn’t like it much after the funeral.
Little Johnny walked into an ice cream shop and asked: Do you have chocolate filled ice cream? The man replies: We are out of that, sorry, we are almost out of every single flavor, do you want me to get you a vanilla filled one? Johnny replies: Sure. After that the man asks for Johnny's phone and goes to back of the store. 5 minutes later the man comes with a ice cream and Johnny's phone. Johnny asks: How much for the ice cream? The man replies: Nothing, its on the house. After Johnny ate hes delicious ice cream, he searched for hes watch history. And then Johnny realized the flavor of the ice cream.
I hop on clash Royal I see Mega Knight I Cry Like If You hate the mega Knight from clash Royal because I Really really Hate it So much!
