so I was at home and I went to take a shower and I accidentaly walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later I needed my headphones to listen to music so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our House only has one bathroom sweet home alabama
so i was asleep and woke up and went to work my wife left already to her job i was driving my car and ran over someone i woke up in my bed realized it was all a dream 20 minutes later i got a phone call the my wife got hit bye a car
How are tinder and orphans alike?
You swipe left till you find the one you like
I tell a man get me a glock 19 he comes back with a glove i was about to shout at him but then i saw a pistol in his pocket so i left and thanked him
one day i asked my mom where kids came from--- she said the man who went to the milk store
5 years later he came back--- and left again
there was 4 people a helicopter the one was trump one was a kid in 1st grade one was the a school teacher the lat one was the china leader there was only 3 shoots the china leader take one and jumps the school teacher says she has to teach so she jumps trumo and the first grader are left trump says i lived my life you take the last one so the kid puts on his backpack a jumps trump makes it out safe
Student: There is 505 rocks in a car, if 8 fall out how many are left Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left Student: Ok!! Student: How do you put a alligator in a closet Teacher: You can't it wont fit Student: No!! Student: Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door Teacher: Ohhh now i get it
one day my ex best friend lied about his computer died when he left the call and watched youtube
Brother 2(1): We have these weird circles on the street! Government is trakin' us!!! Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And its the government. Brother 2(1): Then why are there two in the left turn lane Brother 1: So 1 car isn't always going left and stopping the others. Brother 2(1): Then why are they 1 car apart. Oh to have 3 people going. Brother 1: Correct. When i see 1 car on the first. i go on the 2nd so my light changes. Brother 2(1): You monster. Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight? Brother 2(1):HA. yo mama would trigger the sensor. Brother 1. ARG. its OUR MAMA your disrespecting. Mother (brother 1):whats going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY! Brother 2(1): i think you should take your pills. Brother 1: found them. *imaginary mother and brother fade away* thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him. btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.
1. What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A dino-snore!
2. What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip!
3. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
4. What has ears but cannot hear?
A cornfield.
5. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand? ... She moans with her right
I've looked everywhere... I just can't seem to find where I left my will to live
Why did the adpaded kid eat the last cookie because he was the only one left to adopt everyone hated him
9 months before I was born ,
I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.
lol they left
Once there were three Indians. Two were smart and one was... not so smart. One day, the first smart Indian went out hunting. He came back with a dead deer. The not so smart Indian asks "How'd you do it?" The smart one replies, "I followed the deer tracks, shot the deer, and brought it home." The next day, the next smart Indian goes out. He comes back with a dead bear. The not so smart Indian asks once again "How'd you do it?" The smart one replies, "I followed the bear tracks, shot the bear, and brought it home." Finally, it's now the not so smart Indian's turn to go hunt. Multiple hours had passed since he left. The smart Indians go out to search for him. They finally find him, bloodied and on the verge of dying. The smart Indians exclaimed "WHAT HAPPENED!" The not so smart Indian replies, "Well I... I followed the train tracks, an... and shot th- the train... bu- but it kept going..."
A boy asked his dad for a some money to buy an ice-cream with. So he went to an icecream van. Whilst he was in the queue 2 boys asked him what flavour he was getting he told them strawberry. The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The icecream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice-cream for free. When he got home his dad also asked what flavour he bought the boy said strawberry. His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy confused walked down the street and was stopped buy the police who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice-cream. The boy said thats me and the policeman arrested him. A week later in court the boy was on trial. The judge asked, ''can you tell me what were you doing on the fith of may''(the day he was arrested) the boy said I was eatimg ice-cream. Yhe judge decided he was innocent. On the way out the judge asked him what the flavour was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course he answered with strawberry the judge horrified realised he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately he couldn't change what had happened so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died. The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road
My wife left me yesterday. I haven't Talked to the kids in a year
So 2 kids argued and insulted each other...
KID 1: Your dad left because he didn't want you so why don't you kill yourself?
KID 2: Well your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you.
My wife left me and took the kids
