INS jokes
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common? Firstly, they both went from black to white, and secondly, they both get turned on by kids.
The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in only three moves.
A young boy was picked up by a strange young man who put him in his car and drove into an abandoned farm.
"This place looks scary," the kid said.
And the man replies, "I know right, I have to walk out of there alone."
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I got sent out of a library for putting a women's rights book in the fiction section.
I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
...so I threw a dictionary at him.
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Who do you think is the fastest reader? Incorrect. It's 9/11. It went through 100 stories in 2 seconds.
Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!
Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.
Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.