INS jokes
What do milk and Make-A-Wish kids have in common? They both have expiration dates.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
How do you circumsize a hillbilly?
Kick his mother in the jaw
I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.
I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.
He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."
What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.
I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...
But now I don't know what to do with the letters.
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
What's it called if you give a kid in a wheelchair a ball? Rocket League.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
Hop in.
What did one nut say to the other? Ignore the guy in the middle. He's a d!ck.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
"Sir, I'm afraid your son can't attend our swimming lessons anymore."
"Why not?"
"He keeps peeing in the pool."
"Well, all kids pee in the pool."
"Not from the diving board!"