What is similar between sex and fishing?
It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
How much pussy does a priest get? None.
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
Q: How do you make a door cry?
A: Twist its knob.
How do you punish a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?
A: You wave at them.
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)
How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace.
How can you tell that a website was made by an orphan?
It doesn’t have a home page.
How do you get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
How does NASA organise a party?
They ‘PLANET’.
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.
Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)
Frank: Yo
Fred: Hi...
Frank: U heard about de competition?
Fred: Yeah...
Frank: You wanna hang out?
Fred: .......
Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.
Fred: ...I(
Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.
Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
How many babies does it take to light up a basement?
I don't know, my basement is still dark.
