Howe jokes

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

How are Eggs Benedict and a blow job alike?

You can't get either one at home.

How did they know the teacher onboard the spaceship had dandruff?

Cause her Head and Shoulders were everywhere!

How did the hamburger know he needed new pants?

His buns were too tight.

How do you get "Dick" from Richard?

Ask him nicely.

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.

How do you boil holy water?... You boil the hell out of it!

How do you know you are blessed by God?

You don’t laugh at, make light of, or enjoy the evils and suffering people are inflicting on themselves and upon each other.

A man is out west driving and on the edge of town comes across a tourist stand and sitting in front is an Indian chief right out of central casting. Dour look, full headdress, a glass jar and a sign that says "Indian chief know all! $5". So the fellow's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the chief, puts $5 in the jar and asks "What did I have for breakfast on this day 10 years ago?" Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Hmmm eggs. You had eggs!"

"Eggs?" shouts the guy "Everybody has eggs! I've been had!" throws his hands in the air and leaves in a huff.

Ten years on, as fate would have it the fellow has occasion to be driving through the same town and sure enough he comes across the same stand, Indian chief, sign, and jar. So he stops the car and saunters across the road, goes up to the chief like a smart-ass, holds up his hand and says "How". Chief taps his chin for a moment and says "Poached."

How does Stephen Hawking charge his computer?

How does Stephen Hawking have sex? Keyboard sex!

How do you make Holy Water?

Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.

A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.

When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"

The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"

Q: How did we learn cats don't land on their feet?

A: We asked Mufasa from the Lion King.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two ;)

Why can't an orphan suck my nut?

A girl can, one knows how.

How do orphan jokes start?

Checking your shoulder.

How do you get away with rape?

So you decide one day to ask your son if he wants to f**k, do you do it for 3 hours, then you realize how will I explain another pregnancy to my sterile husband?

You see, my son is very into astronomy.

Son: How do stars die?

Dad: Usually overdose, son.

I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.