Him jokes

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Did you hear about the ninja pedophile? No one saw him coming.

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"

This one time I said that John Cena looks like crap.

But I realized I can't see him. LOL!

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.

After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.

The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"

The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Me: Hey, what book are you reading?

Him: "The Twisted Ones."

Me: Uh, I guess that book is pretty twisted.

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?

In case he gets a hole in one.

There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.

One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."

The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."

The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"

Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."