A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?
In case he gets a hole in one.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Why did the author go to the emergency room?
His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
