Hes jokes

How does Moses make his cup of tea?

He brews it.

The time when Michael Jackson came in his pajamas during the trial. Whether or not it was because he saw a 7-year-old boy has yet to be determined.

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

How can you tell Donald Trump is old and demented?

He can't distinguish between tanned people and cockroaches!

Stephen Hawking is not dead; he just needs to charge.

A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.

Daughter: Mommy, what ever happened to Steven Hawking?

Mother: He died.

Daughter: How did he die?

Mother: He never got recharged.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?

4!

One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"

Why was Michael Jackson fired as a guitar teacher?

Because he fingered a minor.

Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"

What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?

He became spotless!!!

Can we stop talking about 9/11? I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot.

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

Why was Michael Jackson at Kmart?

He heard they had little boys' pants 1/2 off.

Why does Sans like puns so much? Probably because he finds them humorous.

I was asking people who knew Trump if he would win a second term. Stormy said, "No way, he doesn't have two in him!"