Handle jokes
Baby: Stroll?
Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!
Baby: *happily screams*
Stroller: *front wheels break off*
Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!
Baby: Oka- CRASH!
-->[] go through the door if you can.
Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. "Oh, this handles so well!" they exclaimed.
Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear-ended them. The passenger said to his partner, "You tell that man he's gonna pay every single cent 'cause we're going to sue him!"
So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said, "What do you want, wimp?" The gay said, "You just hit our new Pink Porsche, and we're gonna make you pay every single cent 'cause we're gonna sue you!"
The trucker said, "Oh yeah? Blow me!" The gay driver went "Ohhh!" and ran back. The gay partner asked him, "What did he say?" His fruitcake driver said, "Ohhh! It's wonderful, he wants to settle out of court!"
That shit was trash. You can't handle me.
Hold up. Aren't you Nathaniel B.?
Why do anions hate each other?
Because they can't handle the negativity!
Daveon is so straight, he can't even handle a slight bend in the road.
Why would doors do well on social media?
Everyone looks for their handles.
I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!
Q: Why did the vegetable cross the road?
A: 'Cause someone let go of the handle bars.
I can't handle these puns...
But I can HAND you some puns!
Budum tiss!
I have a joke about doors, but you can't handle it!đ
Why is there bullying? They can handle it by themselves.
A Chinese man moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door, but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbor leading a bull down the driveway and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American dude can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs."
"What do you mean," says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull-shit!"
As Iâm lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:
Angel: This wonât last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.
Devil: Did she just twitch?
Angel: No. She didnât twitch.
Devil: I think I saw her finger twitch.
Angel: Well, even if it did, itâs her thigh the techs are aiming at.
Devil: She wants to scratch her face.
Angel: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.
Devil: But her cheek has an itchy spot.
Angel: She can just let it itch. She doesnât need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.
Devil: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...
Angel: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliverâs smile...
Devil: How about a song?
Angel: Good idea!
Devil: How about... âNever going to give you up. Never going to let you down....âđ¶
Angel: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! Sheâs in the middle of a treatment! You know thatâs the only part she knows!
Devil: Thatâs okay. Sheâll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....
Angel: Donât be so mean!
Devil: âNever going to give you up...đ¶â
Angel: Stop it!
Devil: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!
Angel: No, she didnât.
Devil: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....
Angel: She didnât screw anything up!
Devil: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!
Angel: Thatâs not how it works...
Devil: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor wonât get enough radiation.
Angel: They know what they are doing!
Devil: ...And it wonât shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.
Angel: No! No! No! Thatâs not how any of this...
Devil: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.
Angel: Stop this right now!!
Devil: âNever going to give you up....đ¶â
Angel: Stop!
Devil: â...never going let you down....đ¶â
Angel: Iâm not going to let you...
Devil: âNever going to give you up...đ¶â
Techs: Okay. Thatâs it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?
Tammi: ...Oh, Iâm fine.....
