Newest Hand Jokes - Page 24 - Worst Jokes Ever

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice ...

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?

It's an ARMadillo

A man with 20 dolars walked into Dave & Busters. He went to the bathrom to wash his hands. He walked out without any clothes but still has his money.

How do u finger a feminist, shake her hand and call her Theresa

What’s the only time you can do almost whatever you want

When you have a gun in you hand

Why did annie fall from the swing

Because she had no hands

Knock knock “Who’s there” Not annie

How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.

The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I'm a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I'll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I'll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that's not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I'll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that's impossible you've got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he's laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what's wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you'd just love it.

They say masterbation is better with a dead arm

Apparently I ruined that funeral

The cop that is on a 12 o clock shift says hands up

Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms? Because he told the man to put his hands up

The teacher asked her class to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin,but the sky can also be blue or black." the teacher replied. Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him. And picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally she called on him. "Mines more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no Johnny why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."