What does Can do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"
Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."
The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."
The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"
Why did the rapper go to the dentist?
To get his ICE checked
Why did the alien go to the rap battle?
Because he had some UNEARTHLY rhymes!
Why did the rapper go to school?
To learn his ABCs (All 'Bout Cash)!
A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?
The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.
The gay couple was still packing their shit.
Why did the rapper go to school?
To master the art of RAP-LETICS!
Hi, I am Emma. I'm going to Stan.
Two terrorists walk into a bar.
The bartender asks what they are talking about. Terrorist 1 says, "We are going to kill 14k people and a donkey."
The Bartender asks, "Why a donkey?"
Then Terrorist 2 says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 14k people."
Where did Jeffrey Epstein go to college?
Bring them young.
A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"
Why did the rapper go to the pet store?
To buy a dog for his bark tracks!
Why did the DJ go to jail?
Because he dropped the bass too hard!
Why did the rapper go to the beach? (Part 2) To drop some TIGHT RHYMES
Why did the rapper go to the beach?
To drop some FLOW-TIDE
Why did the rapper go to the optometrist?
Because he needed to improve his RAP VISION.
Why did the rapper go to the zoo?
To find some WILD BEATS.
I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.
Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.
