What has two names and one big home?
A person.
When you're excited to finally see your sister, and then you realize she's wearing your clothes.
What do you think of your mom? I can do it.
Adopted kid:
Hey, Alex, what are you doing?
Alex:
Nothing, just playing my game. Anyways, you know you can call me "dad."
Adopted kid:
OK, dad Alex.
Alex:
Oh, come on! My game! I’m winning. Let’s go!
Adopted kid:
I’m so glad I have a mom.
Your hairline is so ugly, like your mum.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
It’s the police, ma’am, your son got hit by a drunken driver. He’s dead.
A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."
Why is everyone trying to make a big deal out of this? My family were only flying to Pakistan and crashed into 2 towers.
A pastor asked his child what his favorite bible verse was... He responded, "Keep watch," because he wanted a watch.
My sister said I was only allowed to grate cheese, so I said to her that I’d prove her wrong.
The next day my mum asked me why my cheese was tan, and I said it was my own special recipe. My mum loved the cheese but she didn’t like it much after the funeral.
This midget in my school has two moms. I said, "Did your dad go get the milk?" He told me to shut up. I said, "I don’t shut up, I grow up like you should."
The best night of my life was when I gave my virginity to my wife, and her last word was when she called me "Mommy" at the top of her lungs before I knocked her up 😍.
I dated an orphan and then later married him for 7 years until he told me he was an orphan.
Son, why do I not have an Easter basket?
Mom, you're 23, you don't need one. Ends calls, child support.
I called my sister a party pooper after she came to my party uninvited.
Grampa said that the only ones who poop at parties are the ones who don't get invited.
So I guess that means I was the party pooper at my own birthday?
Why can’t orphans have a house pet?
Because its parents have it to itself.
Why do orphans not have parents?
Answer: Their parents are yeet dead dead.
You: I want my mama.
Me: Soz, you can't even get one.
Dad: "I'll be back in a minute."
20 years later
Orphan: "Dad?"
"Ur Grandma" You think you're funny? Well, sorry, but you're not.
