Failure jokes

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don’t work out.

I wish I was dead like my jokes.

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a bucket of water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Don't worry about missing a shot after yelling "Kobe". He didn't make it either.

When you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead, then you fail at suiciding.

The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.

You keep your quality beans for the right season till you realize that you planted them on the infertile land.

That joke didn't land well, did it?

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?

Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.

Jonny went fishing and he didn’t know how to cast his pole, and he asked his friend Joe how to cast it. Then when he cast, he only cast 3 feet, and he never learned how to do it.

What do dropouts and Boeing 767s have in common?

They crash and burn.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.

It was the hardest day of my life.

If Shaq had a boat, he would name it "Freethrow," because he would never sink it.

A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."

Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.

I gave a tree a high five, but sadly it left me hanging.