When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I ́m still choosing." She looked horrified.
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said you are what you eat. He then proceeded to run away from me.
I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning fortunately no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
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I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off, I didn't know back to school sales were already starting
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Me: John what did he do earlier
John: hold on, I’m trying to think
Me: I thought I smelled poop
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Shrek once went to the movies and when he sat down he felt this slimy and sticky feeling on the chair, so he stood up and complained about his chair being dirty... until he realized that he forgot to wipe earlier... so he stopped complaining and went back to his chair and sat back down.
The short kid came earlier than i thought , Guess he came with such short notice
Earlier that day.. Mars:Okay Venus, you need to stop with the puns Mission on space Mars:Moon?You okay? Moon:... Mars:Moon come on! Stop SPACING out! *Venus and Moon giving her the smirk*
My pansexual son was asked to form a sentence with a word "Carry" on his zoom class earlier on today and he said "Pessi was carried by Iniesta and Neymar to his Mickey Mouse UCL" .He received a standing ovation. Children are our hope and I'm proud of the education system!
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