Doctors jokes

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

An apple walked into the clinic.

The doctor asked what his favorite color was.

The apple said "red." :)

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

The witch doctor came in my mouth last week. First hot meal I’ve had in weeks.

Yo mama is so fat, the doctor asked for her weight, she told her phone number.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.

"Dog the dog" and Maggie were frightened of her, and the kangaroo said that she had to be in a hospital with a doctor. Jokes and Maggie were walking. I was going to go off the road to the city hall to see her, and I said that the only one-piece dress for women readymade RB collection, as he was walking in the city, and Maggie was a little bit more on the side of it.

My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

What do you call a spice with a PHD?

Dr. Pepper

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣