Doctors jokes

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?

Doctor Bones.

Why did the bee go to the doctors?

Answer: Because he had hives.

Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?

Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.