Doctors jokes

A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.

The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.

The man then got plastic prosthetics.

Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.

After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?

Because he was a family doctor!

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.

Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.

What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?

Doctor Bones.

Why did the bee go to the doctors?

Answer: Because he had hives.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?

Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.