Doctors jokes
A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."
Doctor Seuss break up lines:
"One fish, two fish, blue fish, red fish, I'm breaking up with you, bitch."
Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.
Why did the bee go to the doctors?
Answer: Because he had hives.
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.
Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?
Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."
Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?
Because he was a family doctor!
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.