Do jokes
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?
They flip it over.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
Memes
Why do cemeteries have fences?
Because people are dying to be there.
Do you know what the F in orphan is for...
Family.
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
What did Jessiey do?
Jump and make a explosionnnnnnnn, heyyyy gas!
How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.
How do cats masturbate? They lick they pussy.
How do you get a monkey off the wall?
You jerk him off!
I dare you to smile like a donut. Did you do it?
Q: What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?
A: Cha-ching!
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
What do a blind kid and an orphan have in common?
They canβt see their parents.
Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.