Desperate

Desperate Jokes

If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me....

Three men are travelling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, suddenly they stumble across a tent and inside is three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny too so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince and these three women were his wives so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is: The guy says, "I'm a fireman" The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!" The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range" The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!" The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman

In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.

Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?

Man: Hey siri! Siri: Yes? Man: Im desperate, will you marry me? Siri: Uh... *phone literally explodes*

2 people about to have sex realise they have no lube. In their desperate, horny haste they looked for the nearest Downy and asked it " speak into my hand. "

Upon their return to the bed they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...

What do you call a cat with a live in doctorz?

An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ. "My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!!" And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul. WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS And so he did.

To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him. β€œGet under my robes,” says the nun. β€œNo one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, β€œHey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.” β€œYeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. β€œI didn't want to get drafted either.”

Being a man that is poor really isn't that bad as long as you are involved in the world's oldest profession and you are well-endowed and you are not homophobic and as long as you can suck the chrome off a tailpipe then you have nothing to worry about if you are desperate enough to pay your bills πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ lack of money is the root of all evil πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ πŸ’΅ 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊 😊😊 😊

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Sarah who woke up one morning to find her husband and his wheelchair missing. She searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, she put up posters all over town offering a reward.

ATTENTION
"
HUSBAND AND
WHEELCHAIR
MISSING!
REWARD FOR
WHEELCHAIR
FOLLOW ME
ON INSTAGRAM FOR MORE
@GOINGONCETWICESOLD

How do you know if a homophobic woman that is a christain nationalist and catholic is poor enough she would be desperate enough to do anything to pay her bills she would be willing to perform anilingus and cunnilingus on women regardless of their sexual orientation in the LGBT community

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions ..you must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate and you must never hold on to any beef . " The Angel then disappeared. The man did as was told and became generous and kind ..as he emerged from the betting office with all his money... he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person..each and everytime. He ,however couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what . When he died the Angel came back for him .. "But I'm undeserving I can't come with you" he said .. "Yes you can" replied the Angel , "you gave all your stake ( steak) away"

πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘–πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘–πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ‘– πŸ”‘ 🏠 πŸ€” πŸ™„why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest πŸ‘– πŸ‘–πŸ‘– πŸ‘–πŸ‘–πŸ‘– πŸ‘– removed zippers from the pants of πŸ‘¬ gay men in the LGBT community? because he lost his key πŸ”‘ to his house and he was desperate to get back πŸ™ƒ πŸ™ƒ πŸ™ƒ πŸ™ƒ πŸ™ƒ πŸ™ƒ πŸ™ƒ πŸ™ƒ 🏠 inside of his house and he thought that one of keys πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ πŸ”‘ to their zippers would be able to unlock the door πŸšͺ of his house 🏠 πŸ™Œ πŸ™Œ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ πŸ‘ πŸ‘ 😁 😁 😁 😁 😊 😊 😊 😊 πŸ˜ƒ πŸ˜ƒ πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜„ πŸ˜† πŸ˜„ πŸ˜† 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 😳 πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ€” πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄ πŸ₯΄

AYO IMAGINE HAVING A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN BUT INSTEAD ITS COST A BILLION DOLLARS A GALLON AND YOU HAVE A HUNDRED THOUSANDS THAT NUMBER WILL NEVER EQUATE TO HOW MANY PORNO MAGAZINES AND ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES AND MALY LIQUORS STOLEN FROM MY BROTHER BEDROOM AS A DESPERATE ATTEMPT AT BEING EDGY AYO MAYBE INSTEAD OF THE FUTURE CARS BEING POWERED BY PETROLEUM OIL AND GASS BUT WITH HOT CHOCOLATE

Once upon a time, there was a man named Jake who woke up one morning to find his wife and her wheelchair missing. He searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, he put up posters all over town offering a reward.

ATTENTION
Z
WIFE AND
WHEELCHAIR
MISSING!
REWARD FOR
WHEELCHAIR
IECIE
FOLLOW ME
ON INSTAGRAM FOR MORE
@GOINGONCETWICE SOLD

There's a man crawling through the desert. He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here. He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last. He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right. He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst. He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark. By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs. As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights. Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars. He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car. He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day. He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid. Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do. Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking. As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke. He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, and takes the bottle.

β€œBETTER NATE THAN LEVER!!!”