I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
Stacy:: honey I'm kinda new to texting what does lol mean?
Justin: I'm not sure, lots of love I guess
Margert: Stacy are you there, I don't know if you heard but Amber and her 3 kids were killed in a car crash this morning I'm in total shock
Stacy: lol
If blind people could play go-kart it very quickly turns into bumper cars.
I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead, I scratched it off and won a fucking ford focus!
What's the difference between a cop car and a hedgehog?
With a cop car all the pricks are on the inside.
(Thanks to lostin Flowers cause this one is fucking funny)
I'm actually against abortion Just go to the car wash and tell em you ate too much red pasta
So this guy right, he has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog. About 2 weeks after he loses everything he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "what do you mean by 'blowing chunks' ?" says the boss. The man replies with, " Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Where would next formilula race would happen Answer- On yours flat chedt
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me." "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring. What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's." A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again." How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls. If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ. What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil. What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit." What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus. How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them." Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off. Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you. What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead. How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off. What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip." What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream." What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap." A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.
What's the difference between covid and 9/11?
I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident and the media blaming it on 9/11.
me: ok so let's get this straight.... cop: I'm not straight ok, now get in the car me: but I didn't do anything? cop: no me: so why are you arresting me then? cop: imma tell you a story me: oh no....... cop: I know, now come on. me: ok where? cop: my room. me: which room? cop: my bedroom me:😱im a girl cop:so am I, now get in me: but I'm 9 cop: I'm 59
Why can't orphans play baseball, they don’t know where home is
I made a website for orphans, but it doesn't have a home page
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away. Orphan: But why? Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor Why do orphans like boomerangs, cause they come back
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be Wanted. Girls are like rocks the flat ones get skipped
What an orphans least favorite tv show, Family Guy
If you hit an orphan what are they going to do tell their parents
If you hit an orphan with a car at least you don't have to tell their parents
Why did the orphan go to church? So he had someone to call Father What does a orphan call a family photo, a selfie Why was the orphan a big success, cause people say go big or go home he only had one option Why is it ok to hit an orphan? It’s not like they can tell their parents.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.
What do orphans and blind kids have in common, the can’t see their parents
Why can't orphans hear about ancient Egypt, because they don’t know what a mummy is
Why are orphans bad at poker, because they don't know what a full house is
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Yo momma's teeth so yellow, when she smiled at traffic, all the cars slew down.
A cop saw an old lady carring two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash. "How did you get all this?" asked the cop. "Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grapped by hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that nobody pees in my yard ever again." The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?" She said, "Not everybody paid."
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her. "Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fullfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
