Biggest jokes
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.
Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!
Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"
He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.
The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.
"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"
"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."
The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"
"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."
Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
Who is the biggest slut in the world? Ms. Pacman, because you give her 25 cents and she swallows balls until she dies.
What do you call a group of Emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
What jumps and never let's go?
An Emo kid.
I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.
Dead.
Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?
The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.
Who wants to hear the biggest joke ever?
My life.
Go team Sky
The Israeli government is the biggest joke of all.
What's Adam's biggest fear?
Andy with a belt.
A suicide bomber's biggest fear is dying alone.
A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.
I'm pretty sure that 9/11 was the biggest game of Jenga ever recorded in history.
Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?
Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.
Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.
Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.
The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!
Why is Death the world's biggest slut?
Death gets to f*** everyone.
My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.
What was Kurt Cobain's biggest flaw?
He had a short temper and lost his head over everything.
I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.
What is the biggest candy in the world?
Candy Borobudur.
Donald Trump being president is the biggest joke.
What is the biggest joke ever? Trump.
In the year 2020, who were the biggest enemies?
Coronavirus and toilet paper.