And jokes

I'm not going bungee jumping. I was born by broken rubber, and that's not how I'm going out.

Q: What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

A: One of them gets picked.

Please don't get mad, it's a joke.

What's the difference between a bullet and a police officer? At least when a bullet kills someone, it's fired.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

What's the difference between Mars and Africa? Mars has water.

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

What's the difference between an orphan and baseball?

In baseball, you know where home is.

What does a pregnant lady and pigs have in common?

They're both fat.

My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?

Divorced.

I bought a horse and named him Mayo.

Sometimes Mayo neighs.

I walk up to a kid. I ask where his parents are, and he started crying. Then I walked out of the orphanage.

What's the difference between an orphan and a dew?

One goes up and one goes down.

Like Markgeraldnasol and his Pokemon Jokes.

What do you call a killer that uses psycho powers?

Mr. Mime!

Your hairline is so long that Odell Beckham Jr. missed a catch and saw your hairline from a mile away!

Your mom is so stupid, she got lost in Bed Bath & Beyond and slept on the floor.

I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.

—Shane Richie, British actor

My mom holds up a hot dog and shouts, "WHO WANTS A WIENIE!?"

I need more webs and I need more supplies for more webs, how do I make them? With spiders!