And jokes

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

What does a rock and a girl have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

Q: What's the best part about gardening?

A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a table, and chairs.

I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

One day, an orphan threw a boomerang, and it didn’t come back like its parents.

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?

Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.