And jokes

What's both red, white and sometimes purple?

My arms...

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.

What's similar between a priest and McDonald's?

They both shove their meat in between 10 year old buns.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

What does a rock and a girl have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a table, and chairs.

One day, an orphan threw a boomerang, and it didn’t come back like its parents.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"