And jokes

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and then you remember there are no speed bumps.

What does a frozen loading screen and a Make-A-Wish kid have in common?

They both couldn't make it all the way.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples actually get picked.

My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.

What's the difference between the 44 out of the 45 people who died in the Yaroslavl crash and the nine people who died in the helicopter crash?

Only one was ever famous. Vasicek and Kobe Bryant were the champions.

Your mama so slow, she went by a TV and missed eight episodes.

If you're bored, just punch an orphan!

What are they gonna do...tell their parents?

Sometimes I look at my butt for a really, really long time, and suddenly it all becomes clear to me.

Jorden Calerendiá.

I bet you are a child molester who got out of jail and is now sexually harassing kids such as Addison! Will fuck off and get a life, by the way your roasts are not fucking funny they are bullshit like your face and your hairline.

Me and freshfry talking.

What do a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her have in common?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

What is the difference between a laser beam and a trash can?

A trash can doesn't rage.

Can you guys comment on my nuts jokes (aka Willma, Bofa, and Savor)? I just want to see if people don't think it's funny.

What is the difference between a horse and a rabbit?

A horse can't hoop.

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

What did the female rapper say when her boyfriend pulled his pants down and exposed his huge balls?

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie!”

A guy in a wheelchair said, "I stand for Boris." But I think he meant he sat for Boris.

A science teacher got on the Space Shuttle Challenger after winning a contest out of 11,000 other teachers.

Imagine being one of the losing teachers in that contest, watching the Space Shuttle Challenger, and thinking, "Talking about dodging a bullet!"

A man walked into a bar with an AK-47 with a 50-round mag and yelled out, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" Everyone was quiet.

One man at the back stood up and called, "Sorry mate, but I don't think you have enough bullets."

What is the difference between an orange and an orphan?

The orphan always gets picked... Oh wait, I meant an orange always gets picked.