And jokes

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.

What's the difference between a joke and a tragedy? Timing.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

What do autistic retards and birds have in common?

They both flap their arms, lol.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

When you accidentally make your joke too dirty and get in shit from Explain Bear.

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.

You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.

And an exorcism.

Q. What do Canadian women and Canadian beer have in common? A. They're both stronger than they look.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.