And jokes

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Luke.

Luke who?

Luke through the keyhole and you’ll see.

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.

What do women and a Happy Meal have in common?

They both come with a toy.

What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?

The washer doesn't take loads for free.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.

What's the difference between a joke and a tragedy? Timing.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you run out of money.

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

What do autistic retards and birds have in common?

They both flap their arms, lol.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

When you accidentally make your joke too dirty and get in shit from Explain Bear.

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.