If the captain of the Titanic was dumb, he would eat the iceberg.
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
One day I was passing a blind man and I gave him a gun and told him it was a blow dryer.
Next day I went for another walk and saw his grave.
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
Kobe: Stop doing dark humor!
Me: Why? They don't land well together?
Why was Josef Vasicek a Stanley Cup champion in 2006?
Because you know who was jealous and he went down in 2020.
You can give a hockey team airplane a new source of heating, but it went too far on September 7th, 2011, when the Yaroslavl plane crash happened.
If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.
But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.
What's the difference between the 44 out of the 45 people who died in the Yaroslavl crash and the nine people who died in the helicopter crash?
Only one was ever famous. Vasicek and Kobe Bryant were the champions.
What did Kobe Bryant and Josef Vanicek have in common?
They both won a trophy at least once, Vanicek a 1x Stanley Cup champion with the Carolina Hurricanes, and they also both crashed and burned in a helicopter or airplane.
What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"
My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.
How are Kobe’s death and people in 9/11 the same? They both hit the ground really hard.
Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.
He shouts “you stupid cunt!”
The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”
Dodi replies...:
“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”
I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔
I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
Which was good, he died to a landmine.
Q: How did Helen Keller get a concussion?
A: She kept stepping on a rake.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
What do you call a dwarf that fell into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man.
