At what point does a joke become a dad joke?
When it disappears and never returns home.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
Have you ever wondered why you never see a gay guy in a wheelchair?
It’s hard to become a vegetable when you’re already a fruit.
What’s the difference between a WNBA player and a rotten apple? The apple has a chance to make it into the basket.
What do you call a party planned by Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein? A high school pill party.
Why are so many Americans stupid? Cause they shoot the ones that go to school
When Covid spreads through food but you realized you live in Africa.
Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?
My penis.
When you're in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots.
what war did africa not win?
The water fight
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
I like my women like I like my wine. 16 and locked in my in a basement.
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me what you did?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
If an emo doesn't get better by Christmas, Santa's reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year.