I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’
I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’
Centrebro
@centrebro
Dark Jk 4 EVER
What’s an orphan’s favorite beer? Fosters
Why did the orphan sit alone in the corner?
They wanted some family time.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.
Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?
Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.
Orphan: Why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.
What's the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?
Just switch off the lights.
The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver.
"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he replies.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.
It was impossible to put down.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, and the other is a simple command.