Centrebro

The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.

Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?

Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.

Orphan: Why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

What’s an orphan’s favorite beer? Fosters

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Why did the orphan sit alone in the corner?

They wanted some family time.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

What's the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the lights.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.