Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.
Guys, we should stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad. Oh.... Wait... Continue.
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.
The wheels on the bus go round and round!
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I got a ps5 for my brother, best trade i've ever made
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy" to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, i'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
