At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at her
Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied:
“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: “Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie because she is crazy” to which Mickey responds: "I’m not divorcing her because she’s crazy, i’m divorcing her because she’s f**king Goofy.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod
Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor
To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.
They laughed at my crayon drawing
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
I hate these double standards.
if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”