I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.
The wheels on the bus go round and round!
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather , that is until my mom took the urn away from me
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
What do emos and apples have in common?
They both hang on trees.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
doctor: what's your zodiac sign?
patient: cancer?
doctor: what a coincidence
How did the orphan become famous ? They said “Go Big or Go Home”
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I got a ps5 for my brother, best trade i've ever made
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says "what about the children" the rabbi says "fuck the children" and the Priest says "do you think we'll have time
To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.
they say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.
Remember if you are suffering from paronia ...
You are not alone
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
Kid: hey dad whats dark humor ? Dad: go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him . Kid: but dad I dont have any legs or arms . Dad: exactly son.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
