Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

I hate these double standards.

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere