So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?
Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?
Me: It's an autobiography.
Why do orphans play GTA? So they can be wanted.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.
