Worst Jokes Ever
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Remember, if you are suffering from paranoia...
You are not alone.
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?
By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!
What do you call a group of redneck superheroes? The Inbredibles.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Derek Vinyard?
A shaved head, a chest tattoo, and a moustache.
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.
Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
Roses are red, That much is true, But violets are purple, Not F***ing blue!