Worst Jokes Ever

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.

There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.

Where did Sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

Why is 10 so scared? Cause it was in the middle of 9/11.

Walked in to a gun store, everything was half off.

I didn't know back-to-school shopping started.

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Why did the orphan become a stripper?

So she could have someone to call daddy.

Guys, we should stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad. Oh.... Wait... Continue.

What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."