I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?
Who else would think of adding gas?
Cremation,
The last chance for a smoking hot body.
I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.
Why do Republican men hate transgender people?
Because they lost a dick-measuring contest to a ladyboy in Thailand!
Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.
The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!
There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why is 10 so scared? Cause it was in the middle of 9/11.
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.
Like if you think I'm stupid.
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
What do white people and fences have in common? They both get jumped by Mexicans.
Walked in to a gun store, everything was half off.
I didn't know back-to-school shopping started.
