Worst Jokes Ever

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Cremation,

The last chance for a smoking hot body.

I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.

Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.

There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

Where did Sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

Why is 10 so scared? Cause it was in the middle of 9/11.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

Walked in to a gun store, everything was half off.

I didn't know back-to-school shopping started.

What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

Why did the orphan become a stripper?

So she could have someone to call daddy.

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"

"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."