A suicide bomber's biggest fear is dying alone
I almost got caught watching porn.My mom got the bill for the account but luckily dad had my back.I mean we do use the same account
so i was on the phone with a scam caller, he said he knew where i lived and would kill my children and wife jokes on him i already did.
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week." They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."
Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Where did sally go during the bombing? Everywhere
Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone "father."
I got kicked out of a hospital once, I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plain.
What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.
Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
Who’s the fastest reader
Me cause I’ll be jumping off so many stories
On 9/11 the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas, one came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.
You wanna know why I love trains?
They end my suffering.
Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason
I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.
