Twos jokes

The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and the Leaning Tower of Pizza?

One held its balance, the other two fell.

Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

What has 4 legs and two gloves?

All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️

Yo, dad is so stupid, he brought the milk after two years, and he said, "Oh, sorry son. I'm going back to the store. Bye."

Two air vents walked into a bar.

The third one ducted.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie with Batman?

Two family reunions!

You can play Jenga in two places now: New York and Miami (Chaplin Towers.) They probably have Jenga tournaments there every year.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

How do you ride two bikes at once?

You ride them in tandem!

Is it still called beef if two vegetarians are arguing?

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"

The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.