Twos jokes

Two air vents walked into a bar.

The third one ducted.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie with Batman?

Two family reunions!

You can play Jenga in two places now: New York and Miami (Chaplin Towers.) They probably have Jenga tournaments there every year.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

How do you ride two bikes at once?

You ride them in tandem!

Is it still called beef if two vegetarians are arguing?

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"

The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."