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Told jokes

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.

I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.

(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)

My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.

I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.

I told my friend that there was a tree. On that tree, there were four black chickens. I asked how many beaks do the chickens have. He said four.

Then I said there was a white cat. How many teeth does it have? He couldn't answer, so I said, "Looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy."

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."