The jokes
Yo mama so fat that she doesn't need the internet, she is worldwide.
What's the worst thing you can say to a widow?
"I'm sorry, I just had to."
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
I have a thousand-piece puzzle of the Japanese map. It took me ages to finish it.
But after the earthquake, I just threw all the pieces on the ground, and it's done.
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
If an apple and an emo kid fell out of a tree, which would hit the ground first?
The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.
I would like to complain about the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. Although there were large portions going round on the conveyor, they did taste a bit like luggage.
Why do orphans eat cereal with water?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.
A feather and a depressed boy fell at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The feather, because the rope stopped the child.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
"Our all-transgender brigade has suffered heavy casualties!"
"What? We haven’t even sent them to fight!"
"They’ve already lost 30% of the unit!"
What is the difference between a flower and an orphan?
A flower gets picked.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture frame?
It only took one nail to hang the picture frame.
What's the difference between apples and orphans?
Apples get picked.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
What did one orphan say to the other?
"GET IN THE BATMOBILE, ROBIN!"
Why is a brick always hard? Because the Indians played with it enough.
Where did the school kittens go for their field trip?
To the mew-seum!
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
Why did the orphan rob the bank?
Because he/she wanted to be wanted!