The jokes

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up a dead baby's ass.

Why did the guy like retarded jokes? Because he was a retard himself.

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop," said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop," said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated, replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.

Why did the man become stupid?

Cause he was suicidal, herbivorous. Ja...

Sorry for the interruption. I am ALYA, and I am disappointed in you guys. You shouldn't bully or make fun of orphans. They didn't choose their life or what happened in their life. What happens if you were an orphan and people were making fun of you? Would you like that?

COBRA GRINDSET OF THE DAY: Depression isn't real. You feel sad, you move on.

You will always be depressed if your life is depressing. Change it, bitch!

How do you know you are blessed by God?

You don’t laugh at, make light of, or enjoy the evils and suffering people are inflicting on themselves and upon each other.

What's the similarity between dogs and poor people?

They both eat from trash.

What do you tell your butt cheek when you need to use the bathroom? "Hold it in, so you won't get constipated and die."

What do you call a bunch of biracial, retarded kids? The Special Olympics.

I'm doing a new thing where you say an object in the comments, and I will try to make a joke based off the object.

If you are interested, you can submit an object in the comments.

I will give the person credit each joke I do.

Why was the sun afraid of the ocean?

'Cause 7 8 9.

What did the cat say when she stubbed her toe?

"(Me)owwww!"

I went to the market to get eggs, and my sister thought that I meant my balls.

What did the mommy tomato tell the little tomato?

You better ketchup!

Why did the tall building fall?

It was September 11th.

Hey, do you know why America sucks? We have the death penalty.

Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!