The jokes
What is the biggest fear of firefighters?
Burnout at work.
Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?
Pretty nuts, huh?
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers?
They can go through 100 floors in 7 seconds.
What does the f in orphan stand for? Family.
Why is the fanny flat? Because so it can flop about.
Memes
Did you know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head and Shoulders on the car dashboard.
He had the curse of vanishing.
The difference between gorge floyd and kobe is kobe got air
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?
Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."
Therapist: That's not so bad.
Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,
Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!
Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!
What did the farmer say to the pig? "You snout to believe it!"
I got sent to the principal's office for giving an orphan kid a family-size pack.
There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Why did Joe get hit by a bus? Sally was driving it.
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Why are the twin towers sad?
Because they ordered a pepperoni pizza and got a plane!