The jokes
Why did the skeleton cross the road? To prove he had guts! :)
Déjà Vat: the feeling that you’ve heard that bad joke before.
What's the worst part about getting old?
Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!
What did the lampost say to the other lampost?
Nothing, because it can't speak.
I'm the joke, bitch.
You are the joke.
A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."
The other sibling said, "You are, too."
Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."
And the sibling says, "We're twins."
The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to KFC.
Where did the cows go to a date?
To the moo-vies!
Why can't you play poker in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs!
If you're cleaning a vacuum cleaner, does that make you the vacuum cleaner?
A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.
What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?
You brighten my day.
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
What do you get when you throw a pebble into the ocean?
A wet pebble.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
The 9/11 victims, they went through 700 stories in 10 seconds.
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
What did the baseball player say to the bassist?
Nice baseline!
I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!
The greatest playwright in history found he couldn’t use lances. He could only use "Shake-spears."