The jokes
What was the oak tree's response to the apple tree's joke?
You should leaf it alone!
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.
Why do elves go to school?
To learn the elf-abet.
The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"
The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"
Memes
Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
Why did the egg hide?
Because it was a little chicken!
What is the shortest month of the year?
May, it only has 3 letters!
Why were there only 3,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo? Cause there were only 4 trucks.
I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
What was the scariest thing Helen Keller ever read?
The waffle iron.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?
They get a discount at the crematorium.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Why are Indian people bad at Monopoly?
Because whenever they hit the corner, they build a shop.