The jokes
Doctor, what is wrong with me?
You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.
I wonder why the plane got bigger and bigger, then it hit me.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the side that he was not on.
Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"
The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"
"I hear you asking, 'What's your favorite instrument?' The Trombone."
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
What's the difference between the Grand Canyon and a blonde?
The Grand Canyon is a busy ditch.
What did the stepdad say to the flower? You're grounded!
How did the skeleton win the girl? He was humerus.
Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.
I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.
Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.
Why didn't the right angle go to college? Because he had 90 degrees.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the fridge.
"Captain, captain, there's a man lashed to the mainmast."
"That's your lookout."
Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.
The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.
I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.