I was in sahara desert, dying of thirst. Thankfully, pionel pessi the debut man came to my rescue👨🚒 He brought in 100's of helicopters filled with bottles to quench my thirst. I asked him how he had so many bottles, "big games" he replied. Thanks for saving my life my idol.
Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully she was hot and had a nice ass so it was enjoyable raping her. The next day when i woke up I found her body only half eaten, her lower body was still intact so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast, her ass tasted good with some ketchup.
roses are red violets blue i thank god im not as ugly as you
Women be like chivalry is dead then don't say thank you when you open the door for them.
i think democracy is a scam i love men and i love you i love men an d i love you i love my dog he wontsleep iinside and i shitteed my pants i peed my pants i smell bad i took a shower and my dog was like oh my god i was like ohh i was like oh my god and then i was like i shitted again and he was like bark bark casue hes a dog thanks for listening
My wife said why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely
Thank fully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up emily in the bottom of the ocean
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, I prefer walnuts
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Man: I'm here for the job interview Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews. Man: Just anywhere? Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right? Man: Yeah that's me. (Shakes hands and sits back down) Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson? Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. it really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir. Employer: I like you already, you're hired! Man: Wow thanks, sir. I know i won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job! Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy. Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade? Employer: No. Man: This... This is a photography job right? Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.
Listen, Man United might not thank me but get the contract out, put it on the table. Let him sign it, let him write whatever numbers he wants to put on there, given what he's done since he's come in. Ole's at the wheel, man. He's doing it. He's doing his thing. Man United are BACK.
A man has been dating a girl forever he finally says I love you the girls says aww thanks the man looks at her are you not ganna say it back the girl says no I can’t
I was about to go to sleep but then I remembered my idol has 0 G/A and it's mid November. Thanks Pessi for ruining my sleep 🤬
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello please divert to 5°East to avoid collision. Thank you." The commander starts answering: "No you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!" "Sorry sir You are the one who should divert to 5°East! Over! "Listen to me you asshole! We are the USS Washington and we have an entire fleet at our disposal and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!" After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again: "In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
Thomas Montgomery would eat his fillet of fish in bed every night. He had fillet of fish bedding and everything. His roommates always asked him, why are you eating your fillet of fish in bed. He wouldn't reply. His family took him to the best psychologist in the field. Thomas continued emptying his bank account on fillet of fish to eat in bed. His friend said one day , took a picture of Thomas and told him to say cheese. They laughed and went there separate ways. Then in bed that night , Thomas kept on thinking to himself I never said cheese before someone snapt my picture. He repeated it again. The next day he thanked his friend fillet in him feel better.
A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding... ...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.
"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn around,' if you know what I mean. If that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, do not feel pressured to say yes."
The bride thanked her mother for the advice, and the wedding continued. That night, as she and her husband consummated the marriage, she was mildly surprised to learn that he never asked her to 'turn around.'
They spent a beautiful week together on their honeymoon and made love many times. But still, to her mild surprise, her husband never asked her to 'turn around.'
Their one year anniversary arrived, and they made love to celebrate the milestone. But again, to her mild surprise, the husband never asked her to 'turn around.' This continued for years: their second anniversary, third, fourth...
Finally, on their fifth anniversary, her husband started getting romantic with her in bed and said, "Honey, we've been married for five years. I was thinking we maybe try something new. I thought this time you could 'turn around,' if you know what I mean."
She replied, emphatically,"No! No, I do not do that, I am not that kind of woman!"
Without getting defensive, her husband simply said, "That's all well and good, honey. But I thought you said you wanted children?"
Me: Hey how are you? Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3 Insomnia: Mommy can we get a home? Anxiety: Insomnia wait for mommy to finish. Depression: Anyway here is my resume! Me: Okie thank you, Ok... mhmmm.. WOW! Okie this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it..) Depression: Also I have 2 more friends that want to move in too! Me: Ok and there names? Depression: There names are: PTSD and Trauma! Me: Ok they seem fine (Doesn't know about them) Depression: Okie here is the money (a penny :() Thank you we will call you if we need anything. Me: Ok see you soon! :3 Me now hates my life. :)
Want to hear an abortion joke, or any joke for that matter? You have that option, and you can thank your mother for that. But that's a question that will never be heard by an aborted unborn baby, whose only option was death. And that's no joke.
My mom loved taking pics of me when I was a child...thanks to that people really believe my fake smiles! :3
Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die. "After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families." This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio. "There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers". Some of the tribal members begin walking by displaying various implements of war and death. The first explorer chose a crusty looking musket. Thankfully the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss. The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat. Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen. The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought. After a few moments the chieftain, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..." "Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted? Baffled the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink. When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear. Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink. Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..." Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso nib first again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle. Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word. "But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked. Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"
Uh six teachers are annoying. Thank god I am not getting picked on at school or on this website.
