Tears jokes

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!).

As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.

Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.

He says to the first nun: "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man?"

Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: "Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven."

St. Peter says: "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.

"Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says.

Sister Bernadette asks: "What is it?" A little annoyed.

Sister Carmel says: "Do you mind if we swap places"?

Sister Bernadette replies: "What for"?

Sister Carmel says: "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there!"

They say Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he doesn't cry.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

Have you ever heard of the eye tear?

Me either.

You know why I hate paper? It's TEAR-able to the environment.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."

The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.

I was going to make a joke about a piece of paper.

It's just too tear-able.

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

Wanna hear a terrible joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?

No more tears.