Scripture jokes

Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?

Hebrews.

I don’t understand why Christians are so against body piercings. Didn’t Jesus have four?

I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

I believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “How do you know this?”

Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.

Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.

"Correct," says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.

"Correct again," says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"

What does B.I.B.L.E. stand for?

Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence.

Does it cycle now?

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.