Once my friend saw my wrist, slapped it and said "I like ya cuts g"
I was studying in Turin and my professor told me I had to use PENS only. I looked in my bag for pens and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you Penaldo!
I was in a bar in Italy, me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number, I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found, I turned back then I saw Pessi running with it, shame on you Pessi for ruining my night! š
As Iām lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:
Angel: This wonāt last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.
Devil: Did she just twitch?
A: No. She didnāt twitch.
D: I think I saw her finger twitch.
A: Well, even if it did, itās her thigh the techs are aiming at.
D: She wants to scratch her face.
A: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.
D: But her cheek has an itchy spot.
A: She can just let it itch. She doesnāt need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.
D: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...
A: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliverās smile...
D: How about a song?
A: Good idea!
D: How about... āNever going to give you up. Never going to let you down....āš¶
A: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! Sheās in the middle of a treatment! You know thatās the only part she knows!
D: Thatās okay. Sheāll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....
A: Donāt be so mean!
D: āNever going to give you up...š¶ā
A: Stop it!
D: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!
A: No, she didnāt.
D: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....
A: She didnāt screw anything up!
D: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!
A: Thatās not how it works...
D: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor wonāt get enough radiation.
A: They know what they are doing!
D: ...And it wonāt shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.
A: No! No! No! Thatās not how any of this...
D: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.
A: Stop this right now!!
D: āNever going to give you up....š¶ā
A: Stop!
D: ā...never going let you down....š¶ā
A: Iām not going to let you...
D: āNever going to give you up...š¶ā .
Techs: Okay. Thatās it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?
Tammi: ...Oh, Iām fine.....
i saw some kid following me some i toled him to go back to his family orphan: what famliy
There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.
Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"
Priest, "how so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"
Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"
Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"
Then Matt walks out the door
Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"
jack and jill went up a hill so jill could lik jacks candystik but jill got a suprise wen she saw her borfiend rik he got so angre jack has no candestik no more jill went home whith a black i and rik got arested for cuting jacks candystik
Mrs. Harolen: Students, tomorrow's assignment is to bring your parents to school for a conference with the teacher informatio-
Garen: I want to know who cannot bring their teachers to a conference. ORPHANS!
Students: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Mrs. Harolen: Garen sit down! NOW!
Garen: Hey why can't orphans get a dog? They don't have their parents to drive them to the animale shelter.
Halen: Yeah! Why are orphans racist? Because they never saw there parents in a diffrent race!
Students: No that's not funny!
Student: SHUT UP!
little johnny was walking on the street alone one day and saw a robber. Little Johnny says to him "give the mother fucking broken ass piece of shit back." to which the robber says "FUCK YOU I don't wanna." little johnny calls the police and says " A robber is stealing a broken ass piece of shit purse. the police said "how old are you." little johnny then hangs up the phone
Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it a genie came out and said "You have 10 seconds to have one wish". Little Johny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink she says, "We should have this every night!". Little Johny gets two cups every night one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives on himself and his sister asks, "Wheres my cup?". little Johny replied, "Your drinking out of the bottle tonight".
(found on web) There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.
News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.
John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, āThis Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Gripā
The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, āWhatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death gripā.
Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, āI didnāt see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?ā
With heavy breath, John told him āWell coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.ā
āWhat???ā Said the coach... āJohn I donāt think that is legal. You could be disqualifiedā
āI donāt know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You aināt got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own ballsā
Haha you just saw sex
Im going to do a song thats called Falling by Trevor Daniel... so here it goes
My last made me feel like I would never try again But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt Come closer, I'll give you all my love If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything My last made me feel like I would never try again But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt Come closer, I'll give you all my love If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything Talk to me, I need to hear you need me like I need ya Fall for me, I wanna know you feel how I feel for you, love Before you, baby, I was numb, drowned out pain by pouring up Speeding fast on the run, never want to get caught up Now you the one that I'm calling Swore that I'd never fall again, don't think I'm just talking I think I might go all in, no exceptions, girl, I need ya Think I'm out of my mind, 'cause I can't get enough Only one that I give my time, 'cause I got eyes for ya Might make an exception for ya, 'cause I been feeling ya Think I might be out of my mind, I think that you're the one My last made me feel like I would never try again But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt Come closer, I'll give you all my love If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything My last made me feel like I would never try again But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt Come closer, I'll give you all my love If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything I'll never give my all again 'Cause I'm sick of falling down When I open up and give my trust They find a way to break it down Tear me up inside, and you break me down
So a blind guy is sitting on a park bench his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guys leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat. A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man. That is the most charitable thing Iāve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit. The blind man says Oh itās not what you think Iām just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the Ass.
What did Lucy say when she saw her sonogram? Looks like a Rerun.
Just before Lockdown began, a woman took her 15 yr old son Tom, and 14, 16 and 18 yr old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14 year old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week the 16 year oldās shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18 yr oldās belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14 year old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until heād talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
āLook, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. Iām not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We donāt have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?ā
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45 pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."
2 Kids told their parents they saw a man late a night entering their house on Christmas night The day later they found out several houses were robbed
I saw a small kid crying so I asked him "where's ur mom" but he started crying so I left the funeralšš
The Women saw a Cute lookin cop she Had pulled up right Next to him and said āHey can i get your numberā He said yea itās ā911ā. And drove of
I went to the store and I saw a kid with fake airpods and I was going to tell him nice fake airpods but it was his hearing aids