Reese Witherspoon jokes

How did Reese eat her cereal? - Witherspoon!

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

People think Kelly Clarkson shops at Wal-Mart because she's a sloppy redneck. No, it's because toddlers' pants are 75% off everyday!

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

Amber Heard's Morning Routine

Wake Up. Eat Breakfast. Take a Shit. Get Out of Bed.

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

Today, I spotted Johnny Depp on the clearance rack at Kmart. Kmart is currently trying to clear its inventory of wife-beaters.