Prescription jokes

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close the casket.

I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)

Why do pills work?

Because they are white.

If you need to squint to read this...

You probably need glasses.

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?

Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.

I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!

I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.

Do this on a calculator.

There was this girl who was (13) but she wanted to be (84) but she was (45) but the doctor said (0). He said take these tablets (2x) a day, but she took them (4x) a day, and she ended up boobless.