Pick

Pick Jokes

Book

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

Dot

When I was younger, I went to an Indian convenience store to pick up a lottery ticket. When the cashier handed me the ticket, she told me to "hold it properly." So I ripped the red dot right off of her forehead.

Finger

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

Toddler

I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.

Punch Line

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

Cowboy

One day there were these 3 cowboys sitting next to a fire and they were telling each other about their adventures. Well, the first cowboy said, "I tangled with a bull that killed 6 people, so I wrestled that son of a bitch to the ground with my bare hands."

The second cowboy said, "That's nothing. Yesterday I was walking on a trail and came across a rattler, so I picked it up, bit its head off, and drank all his venom in one gulp."

The third cowboy remained quiet, stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.

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  • Orphan

    Why did they make bus stops? So the bus driver would know where to pick the orphan up.

    Orphan

    Why don't orphans go home at pickup?

    Because they don't have parents to pick them up.

    Orphan

    What’s the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

    Orphan

    Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.

    What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.

    Orphan

    Why do orphans hate playing sports in school?

    Because they never get picked.

    Insult

    "Jordan, motherfucker, your face looks like a slut, and your life is trash. Stop picking on kids and LEAVE THEM HELL ALONE!"

    Hooker

    This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

    Draft

    I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

    I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

    Hair

    He probably picks hair off his dad’s dick, then probably puts it in his hair.

    Skeleton

    I'm bone dry in material, but I have a skeleTON of skeleton jokes. After I tell you all these rib ticklers, you will have a bone to pick with if you didn't find that funny, you outta rip my spine out.

    Orphanage

    Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.

    Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.

    Kidnapper: ...

    Orphan

    What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? The apple always gets picked.