Parent jokes

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

"Our teen has decreed we are the 'Worst Parents Ever.' We will hold our coronation ceremony to accept this honor next Friday. Invitations to follow."

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.

Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?

Son: Yes, why?

Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your dad.

But my dad's dead.

I know, just reminding you!

You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!

Does a midget count as an orphan?

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.

Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.

Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

My bro’s parents died, but he didn’t know why.

Turns out they died because he was a failure, and he would be going to an orphanage in 4 days.

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

Btw friend here also wants to do suicide.

Friend: Why did I cross the road? Me: To get to the other side. Friend: True!

Friend: Hey let's go hang out at the forest today! Me: Ok *grabs ropes for the both of us and rushes outside bc this is a lucky day* Friend: Hey at least we did it!

Friend: What's the best thing about me? Me: You will eventually end. Friend: Hmmmmmm . . . true!

Friend: What historical time influenced you the most? Me: The great depression.

If I could be an object I'd be glass because I'm see-through and I can shatter with the minimum difficulty immediately!

My parents sometimes say I'm their sunshine! . . . because I'm painful if you look at me.

Teacher: What does km/s mean? Me+like almost all of the class: *in unison* It means kill myself but misspelled.

Friend: What's the best way to end a game? Me: With death. Friend: . . . Hmmm now that you think about it yeah! That's the best way!

When you're about to jump down a cliff but you realize that you can't litter there.

Google says that you're about 75% water but I'm made of 101% depression 101% anxiety 101% suicidal 101% stress.

Brain be like will_to_live.exe, happiness.exe, and many more others not found also you have now got crippling_depression.exe, anxiety.exe, suicide_thoughts.exe, suicide_attempts, and stressful_life.exe so so so much many more.

How do you keep weeds away? Just put a bucket of crippling depression and suicidal thought and attempts in the soil and then they just kill themselves. Problem solved.

When you take antidepressants but they don't work it will just make you more depressed and that's a fact.

A bored depressed suicidal person: *sees a dying person* Dying person: P-l-pls c-c-c-call m-me a-an amb-b-bulancccee *wheeze* *dies* Bored depressed suicidal person: Hmmmm ur an ambulance Dying person: *manages to get back up* Bored depressed suicidal person: Oooooohh goddddd Dying person: *in a demonic tone* BUT NOT FOR ME~

Roses are red, Inside I'm dead, I have crippling depression, Some one pls shoot my head.

When you finally open up to a person who you think will care and understand but it turns out that they don't. You: *panickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanicking*

The only time you should lift your spirits up is when your gonna hang yourself.

A made-up story starting now. So I went to school as usual. There's a school shooting. All the depressed suicidal people: *crave death* *walks up to shooter* all say KILL ME A made-up story starting ending.

In this one the friend isn't suicidal. Friend: Wanna play a game? Me: Life wait no a game has a meaning. Friend: . . . *crickets* Friend: Calls suicide hotline. Me: Wait no!!!!!

Me: *has crippling depression* *asks mom why I was born* Mom: Hmmm I think I was drunk and on a lotta drugs. Me: Hmmm tysm *gets the rope* Mom: *making hanging puns* Me: *hurries to the trash truck*

Me: At this point I've lived about a decade depressed and suicidal that I don't struggle with it now, I'm good at it and it's all normal.

Hope you enjoyed.

My friend lives in a caravan park. His parents named him Money because they thought it was a type of currency.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Why did the orphan sit alone in the corner?

They wanted some family time.