I told a joke to an orphan, turns out he wasn't an orphan...
What do fire and people have in common?
They will both eventually die out.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken was in 666 pieces after being molested by Gerard brutally with a rail gun covered in spears covered in his lymph. His beak was ripped open and shoved in his feet after glass shards were shoved into his eyes until they came out the other side. His feet were nailed to the ground.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
People are like bean burritos. You can eat them EVERY DAY, but you'll never run out.
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?
A: You wave at them.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
What does an apple and a gay have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
Mom, can I please go out and play?
... no answer.
Orphan: Shooting gun at shooting range, "I'm out of bullets, got a magazine?"
Guy: That's probably because you're single.
Why did the ox get kicked out of the herd?
Because it wasn't being an ox, it was being a butt-ox...!
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
I ran out of bras, so I wore...
My grandma's underpants!
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
Salman Rushdie got a new book out.
It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."
My friend told me an emo joke once, and I said, "Emo jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"
Mary is hanging out, and the angel Gabriel descends behind her. She looks behind her and says, "Jesus Christ!" and the angel Gabriel said, "So you already know."
